Friday, December 07, 2007

Like Atari Man, Played OUT

So there's this.

I have never attacked Mr. Holdship, I don't know him apart from his work and I have not used this blog to bash him. I may have referred to him on a backblog, but I really can't recall and if so, I may have been my usual callous disrespectful self.

But this is a pitiful bit of marketing and a sad attempt to get bloggers from the Blackwell end of the spectrum, to this shit hole printed on loose leaf via the technological wonder of dot matrix to link to a publication that is loosing it's franchise and whole reason for being very fast.

Let's start at the beginning. The 100 greatest songs, which I guess is sort of the quasi-topic of the post.

Why do publications publish lists? Because they are controversial, they spark debate and thus readership. It's a tried and true publishing/media tactic and one I have no problem with. The thing is, maybe they didn't get enough of a reaction, so they had to write their own blog about the reaction and controversy that hadn't happened.... this is dull.

A while back I wrote about the Detour/Blowout non-fight on this site because I found it interesting. By contrast I never mentioned the Metro Times list because it didn't seem worth it. It was frankly too obvious that they didn't secure the participation of anyone who found more recent rock or hip-hop to be that important -- but its not like I don't think Motown and John Lee Hooker are important -- they are. Boom Boom Boom Boom.

On to tactic two. Call the bloggers all out and we all respond in kind -- like the inevitable flame war the first week you got email.

This shit is just old and tired. Bill Holdonimcommin may or may not be old and tired -- but his work at Metro Times thus far has not inspired me to expect great things.

Oh did you write some important stuff in the past? Can you recall a great show when you spoke to a recognized name and had some banter about the new rock n' roller, who did I mention later changed his name to Bruce Springsteen and became very, very important? That's great man, I'm sure it would make an interesting book, I really do but right now you're making me thirsty. You have experience and credentials -- point taken, please move on.

Speaking of old and tired, were you aware that real journalists find the pseudonyms of bloggers to invalidate their opinions... fuck man, what is this 1999? Did they just hook up your Compuserve? Are you also tired of emails promising to increase the size of your penis? How about Airline food? WHAT IS THE DEAL? (This is the part where the blogger calls out the print guy who moved online and wrote something that's been said a billion times for being out of touch).

So where was I?

Oh yes. The metrotimes on bloggers.

Ben Blackwell is cool but he could be cooler and he's smart, but there just aren't enough incoherent paragraphs about him on the internet these days.

Jasper's a prick. They forgot to mention he's getting old and has sand in his va-jay-jay. His readers are worse, which isn't a big deal because there's no way their readership overlaps more than like 90-95%.

Grambo has a name, a brother with a job and has sex with Loftus (VERY VERY CLOSE!!!!). They forgot to mention its only phone sex and neither lives in Detroit anymore. May or may not have introduced sand to Jasper's va-jay-jay.

Adam the Grizz Graham works for a newspaper people like so much they pay for it everyday. His existance legitimizes his brother's existence. This is completely true, but for none of the reasons Bill Holdsteady says.

Loftus use to work at the Metro Times, has sex with Grambo and apparently has no ties to the internet worth mentioning or perhaps in an article about cowardice on the internet, someone was too scared to bring the credentialed down to this level.

Brain Smith, not a blogger but abused. No doubt very shaken up about it.

Then he goes and writes all those bad things about Motorcityrocks.com, but keeping with their new format, only releases them on mimeographed copies from his mom's basement (MCR BURN!)

Brandon has lived in two cities and has opinions. He may be knowledgeable. Time will tell. Or maybe we can get Lester Bangs on the Ouija and find out FOR SURE! (rants need caps, they just do)

Backblogs are for cowards, even though everyone knows they are a great driver of blog traffic and repeat visits and WHA, Metro Times has a backblog that rarely gets a post (much like this blog that also has no readers).

I am smarmy. I am not as funny as Grambo. I wrote something you weren't allowed to read about a use of clip art that was apparently intended to be ironic, but was the kind of ironic that needed a caption that said, LOOK AT THIS IRONIC PICTURE.

To me it came off as someone who didn't know how to use the internets and that's what I wrote -- I was censored by an Alternative Weekly for this offense.

Now this ironic I get.

It's like the WSJ stealing all the happy ending massage ads from the Village Voice -- it's funny because it's unexpected and not in keeping with their editorial values.

In closing Robin Williams, CREEM, CREEM, CREEM, Lester Bangs, CREEM, maybejasperisontosoemthingwiththisblogshitpeaceout.

Bill Holdonloosely, if this whole post was just a veil to make an apology to me about removing my 8-15 word backblog comment. Then I accept.

Last but not least, if you'd care to correspond with someone with a nickname (Grambo gave it to me, I wanted Nutsac McGee) perhaps try using the email address they provided you with.

Good luck to you in all your future endeavors like writing the linear notes for the new album by Mitch Rider's touring bass player which will never be read because downloads don't have linear notes. HEY, look at that, I just gave you a topic for a new rant, the end of linear notes. It's a keeper and for you man, no charge.

-gorilla

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9 Comments:

Blogger Yale Bloor said...

calm down and take deep breath's Gorilla .... Mr. Holdshit is a wanker we all know that..its no big deal

10:55 AM  
Blogger Gorilla said...

I am calm, Mr. backblogger who represents 97% of my readership.

I took his bait, and thus decided to give it the full crazy!

11:03 AM  
Anonymous Mister Gary said...

Mr. Gary says, 'Dammit, Gorilla - I'm a Blackwell, too! Don't lump me in with the Blackwell end of the spectrum, unless you're talking about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I love those.'

11:25 AM  
Blogger Jasper said...

I'll have you all know that I douched this morning. Sand go bye-bye.

12:03 PM  
Blogger Uncle Grambo said...

No Country For Old Creem! Rocket sauce, Gorilla, rocket sauce.

Was I really the first person to call you The Gorilla?

I am upset with you, though, for misreporting the facts when it comes to my relationship with Loftus. We have never had phone sex or even actual sex. Sure, we occasionally exchange a ribald communique via Hollatext, but we always use protection.

Holdonforonemoreday!

12:06 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

A writer for the Metro Times calling someone an 'anonymous local gadfly'? Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

12:40 PM  
Anonymous Peabs said...

Don't sell yourself short; you're WAY funnier than Grambo.

No offense, Frank.

1:03 PM  
Blogger Uncle Grambo said...

None taken!

6:02 PM  
Anonymous leaf said...

I guess I'm the other 3% of the readership.

2:42 PM  

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